Requesting the Honor of Your Presents
by dcj
Summary: Even though she's gone on the task force, Andy still finds a way to show the people she loves that she cares. She just doesn't know it.
1. Chapter 1

Hi all. This is just a short one, maybe two or three chapters long.

The story includes some written notes, and I have included those words in italics to set them apart. Any actions or thoughts that take place while the note is being read are in parentheses. I hope it is easy enough to follow. Also, I'm not trying to imply that Sam was completely to blame for their relationship woes, but I do think he has regrets and that comes out a little in his thoughts. I must have been thinking about Christmas and the spirit of giving when this idea came along and as usual, I couldn't resist. I hope you like it too.

As always, I own nothing Rookie Blue and I thank SairsJ for being my extra set of eyes.

* * *

**Requesting the Honor of Your Presents**

Traci walked into her office and sighed as she sat down. Parade was in a few minutes but she just needed a little time to herself, a little time to… It had been a really long weekend; one full of tears and a few surprises.

She ran her hand along the edge of Jerry's desk and swallowed the lump in her throat. It was still empty; they hadn't found anyone to replace him yet… not that anyone really could. Luke had worked with her for about six weeks and had gotten the division pretty much caught up to current cases, but now he was gone and she felt like she was perpetually trying to keep her head above water.

Every so often she found herself wondering what he was doing, what she would have been doing… what Andy was now doing. It had been two months since she, Luke and Nick left without a word and when Traci had said no to Luke, she had no idea that Andy would end up taking her place. She didn't regret her decision; she could never regret choosing Leo over the job. But she did wonder.

The rest of the division had all been informed the next day; Callaghan, McNally and Collins were 'on assignment'. And though she knew it wasn't the same, it was still hard 'losing' her best friend so soon after Jerry. Gail had been great but she just wasn't Andy.

It had been six weeks since they left. Detectives had come and gone through the division helping out Fifteen whenever a case warranted it. Thankfully, for Traci, they had all been easy to work with, but she was really glad that she would soon have someone working with her permanently. She looked forward to setting up a routine, developing a partnership, having someone else who she could depend on.

She looked up when that someone else entered the room and leaned against the door jamb. "You're supposed to look rested after a weekend off, Nash."

She grimaced up at him. "I could say the same for you."

"Yeah, well, it's been a long time since I've been in school so it's taking me awhile to get back in the swing of things."

Traci nodded.

A couple weeks after Andy left, Frank finally started the process of posting Jerry's position to try and find a permanent replacement. And it was Oliver, of all people, who talked Sam into applying. According to him, Sam had been spending way too much time at the Penny and needed something to distract him. He knew Sam could do it; he had the best instincts around. But most of all, he knew Sam needed something to grab onto.

It took Sam two weeks to decide but he had finally gone in to ask Frank if he would consider holding the position open for him if he started taking the courses. Frank knew he wouldn't find a better candidate even though Sam wasn't even technically qualified…yet. So he had immediately tossed the transfer applications aside. And then he put in a call to headquarters to let them know he had filled the position and now had an opening for a TO.

"I know what you mean," she agreed. "I wasn't even that far out of the academy, but it was still tough balancing work, Leo…" She didn't have to finish because they both knew what or who she left unsaid.

Sam cleared his throat and quickly changed the subject. "I don't know how you did it," he admitted. He was already finding it difficult and right now he had nothing to distract him.

They both looked out as more and more bodies started to pass by their office. "Guess we should get in there."

Sam started to turn but Traci jumped up and grabbed his arm before he could get too far. "Swarek?"

"Yuh?"

"When's your birthday?"

He shifted back; he must not have heard her right. "What?"

"Your birthday. When is it?"

He shook his head in disbelief. "Aren't you taking this future partnership a bit too far?"

She dropped her chin and waited.

Sam rolled his eyes. "I stopped celebrating birthdays years ago Nash."

"Doesn't mean you don't have one," she retorted.

"Nope," he agreed, "it just means I don't tell anyone so I don't have to ask them later to skip the token cake and generic 'from the whole gang' card."

He pushed himself away from the wall, expecting her to drop it but she caught him off guard.

"Did Andy know?" She wondered quietly.

Everyone had avoided talking to him about 'her' so the comment really blindsided Sam; he thought the two of them especially had an understanding about what they would and wouldn't talk about. It took him a second to respond. "Why?"

Traci just waited him out; he hadn't answered the question.

He finally blew out a loud breath; she was obviously more patient than he was. "Only if she looked it up."

Traci contemplated that for a moment. "Did Jerry know?"

Sam swallowed hard. He wasn't sure which one of them it was harder to talk about… or think about. "He found out, yes," Sam answered softly.

He wasn't even sure she had heard him until she started speaking. He thought she was going to ask him why Andy didn't know. But she didn't.

All she said was "We should go," and then she walked around him and out the door.

They were about halfway through parade when Sam stole a glance over at Traci who seemed to be in her own little world. Her mind working almost as fast as… Sam shook his head and looked back at the Sarge doing his best to focus on the last of the announcements.

When there was nothing new for him or Traci, he pushed off the table and headed to his desk to work on the case that had come to them yesterday. He wasn't sure how long he'd had his head down when he realized that Traci hadn't come in yet. He spun the chair around to look out over the bullpen and found her talking to Oliver by the coffee machine. The two of them were deep in conversation and Shaw seemed to be arguing with her. He was shaking his head for a good five minutes before he finally hunched his shoulders and nodded in defeat.

* * *

It was a couple of weeks later when Sam walked into his office. It wasn't official yet; they were still waiting for the results of his exams. But despite that, he had been detailed to the D's every day since Best had told him the position was his.

He walked up to his desk. "What's this?"

Traci barely raised her head trying to remain indifferent; she shrugged her shoulders. "Looks like a present."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Listen, Nash. If we're going to be partners, you have to understand…"

"It's not from me," she interrupted immediately returning to her work.

Sam sat down and eyed the gift warily. Only a couple of other people in the office knew the significance of the day but he was sure they knew better than to make a show of it. As he lifted his head to scan the immediate area for suspects, he saw Oliver loitering just outside his office trying his best not to look in Sam's direction.

"You!"

Oliver held his hands up in surrender. "Not me either, Brother. I was just hoping to…"

Oliver let the thought trail off as Sam narrowed his eyes skeptically. He obviously knew it was there and had definitely been listening in to the conversation. But he also knew how Sam felt about birthdays, had never given him anything before… well besides maybe a drink at the Penny…

Sam shifted his gaze between the other two as they tried to appear aloof. He could see that they were as curious as he was though. He reached for the package and pulled the envelope from it. For some reason, there was no name on the outside of it so he lifted the flap and tugged the card free.

Sam opened the envelope and almost gasped. He recognized the handwriting immediately.

He closed the envelope and focused his stare on a wide eyed Nash. "She ask you to do this?"

His brief wave of hope was replaced with confusion when the surprise took over her face. Her eyes ping ponged between him and Oliver until she answered, almost too quiet for him to hear. "No… Jerry did."

Sam's mouth dropped open. _But… how… when…_

He looked inside the card again. _It was definitely her writing._

Traci and Oliver were both fidgeting awkwardly as Sam continued to stare at the card. Finally Traci couldn't take it anymore. "What does it…" She tilted her head to the side. "Wait; you said she…"

Oliver's eyes bounced between the two of them. _Something wasn't adding up; Traci had told him the gift was from Jerry. But then why did he say she? And there was only one 'she' that would get that kind of reaction out of Sam. But how could Nash not know?_

"It's from Andy," Sam sighed confirming Oliver's suspicions.

Traci's head pulled back in surprise. She had spent the last couple of weeks assuming she was going to get a glimpse of Jerry a happy reminder of the guy she fell in love with. But apparently that wasn't going to happen. She wasn't as disappointed as she thought she would be though, and found herself looking forward to it just as much. Because instead, she was going to get a little touch of Andy to fill the hole in her heart. "Aren't you going to open it?" Traci wondered

Sam shook his head and cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. later, maybe," he stuttered before snatching the package and tossing it into a drawer.

Traci started to protest; she really needed to see something that reminded her of her friend. But Oliver immediately held up his hand; he knew Sam better than anyone... well better than anyone still around and he knew he needed time to accept this first.

He could see she was disappointed but he knew that pressuring Sam wasn't going to get her anywhere. If she wanted any hope of seeing what was inside, she would have to be patient and let Sam handle it on his own terms. If she was lucky, he **might** share it with her. Oliver knew it was a big 'if', but he also knew Sam well enough to know that he would give in when he saw just how much she needed a piece of Andy too. Oliver offered her a sad smile before turning and heading out for his shift.

* * *

The day passed slowly as the two of them worked side by side, both on the same case but completely separate. Neither one wanting to upset the other by saying or doing the wrong thing.

Just after lunch Traci decided the silence was just too much. Well, that, and she was hoping that if she left Sam alone, he just might open the gift there. She was afraid that if he waited and took it home, she might never know what was inside. She might not get that Andy fix that would help tide her over until her friend came back. She informed Sam that she was going back to talk to the family of the victim and for him to call her if he needed her.

He asked her if she wanted him to come along but they could both see that it was a token gesture and she refused. "I'm good. You stay here; do what you need to do."

He didn't miss the glance she made towards the desk drawer.

As soon as she left, Sam jumped up and shut the door. He looked out over the bullpen that was mostly empty. No one was even paying him any attention, but he still found his hands on the cord to the blinds. He made his way around the room shutting them all.

He blew out a long slow breath as he pulled open the drawer and lifted the package. He had warred with himself all morning about opening it. He thought about heading home but he knew Nash would see right through him. He considered taking it to the locker room and looking at it there, but someone could come in and he would have had to watch Nash's sad face as he took it away from her. He could tell she needed something from Andy almost as much as he did but he just couldn't make himself do it in front of her. But he also didn't want to throw that in her face either.

She was good police though and the minute she told him she was leaving he knew she knew. Even before the not so subtle nod at the drawer.

Sam took another deep breath and lifted the envelope. The card was simple and unassuming; Andy knew he wouldn't go for the bright, flashy, poetry laden crap that the greeting card industry thrived on. Instead it was a cityscape with no words on it. Well, no printed words. The blank inside was covered completely in Andy's scrawl.

He ran his hands over the writing. It was so familiar and yet seemed so far removed. He had no idea what to expect. Nash said Jerry had something to do with it, which meant that she had likely written this before everything went south with them. Which meant that whatever was in there just might not apply anymore. But that didn't matter; he had to know.

He leaned back in his chair and picked up the card. He closed his eyes for one second before steeling his resolve and dropping his eyes to the paper.

_Happy Birthday, Sam! _

_If you're reading this, I'll thank Jerry later. I can't believe you wouldn't tell me when your birthday was._(He could just picture the pout.)_I get it though, birthdays weren't all that happy for me either, but I'm hoping we can change that…make new, better memories together._

_I have to confess I almost looked it up in your personnel file; I came this close_. (He smiled as he imagined her lifting up her thumb and forefinger to show him just how close.) _But I didn't want to go behind your back; I want you to want me to know these things and I hope someday that you will. But at least I found a way right? _(He shook his head. _Of course she did. Only you, McNally.)_

_Anyways, I hope you like the present; you know you're not an easy man to buy things for. And I won't be asking the guys again anytime soon. Dov just says 'get him lingerie'; you're all he wants anyway. _(Sam couldn't help but chuckle at the truth in that statement; it was true then and it was still true now. He just wished…) _But you already have me Sam and you always will. _(He had to stop there as his grip on the card tightened and threatened to bend it out of shape. He set the note down on his desk and leaned back in his chair. With his hands clasped behind his head, he stared at the ceiling as if it would have all of the answers. _Why did he walk away? Why couldn't he just tell her he needed space? More importantly, why couldn't he just let her in? He really needed to figure that out. _ He took a deep breath and straightened back up in his seat_.) Still it wasn't the worst idea. Maybe if you're good, that's what you'll get for Christmas ;)_

_In the meantime, I got you 'us'. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope you feel the same. I know it's just a picture but I really want you to know that it's a thing, at least for me. You and me? We are an 'us' and I don't want that to change. _

_I'm hoping that you'll put it up with the rest of the pictures at your place. No rush though, just whenever you're ready. _(He had to smile again. He knew if she was here rambling on like this, well before the… He huffed out a breath. If she was rambling on, he probably would have been rolling his eyes and tuning her out. But now, now he wanted to know every word. Was scared to miss out on anything_.)_ _It's one of my favorite pictures. You know I didn't even know it was being taken. But that's the best kind. That way you can really see how people feel about each other. I hope you can tell that I love you_. (Sam was having trouble catching his breath just like he had the first time he heard her say it. He put down the card again but only so he could pick up the package and rip off the paper. He lifted the lid on the box inside and pulled out the photograph. It was an 8x10 in a simple black frame. He looked closely at the two of them; it was taken months ago, not long after her housewarming party, way before the… He reached for his coffee and swallowed a greedy gulp to wash down the lump in his throat. He could see it as plain as day… in both of their faces. Even way back then he loved her, but it just wouldn't come out.) _I hope that's not a surprise; I hope that by the time your birthday comes that I've had the courage to say it so this doesn't feel all awkward; though I'm pretty sure you'd find any 'feelings talk' awkward. _(He almost laughed out loud; _of course it was awkward. They didn't do normal_. He studied the picture for a few more minutes as he ran his fingertips gently across the image of her smiling face before he set it down again._ He really missed her smile._)

_I know; I'm rambling. I also know you're either smirking or rolling your eyes right now. Jeez, even in writing, I'm allergic to silence. Anyway, you're probably getting bored and hopefully coming to find me to thank me 'properly' ;) But knowing you, you'll probably wait a week or two… not to, you know (because you're a pretty thankful guy) but to let me know that you got the present without giving away the day. Unless it just appears on your wall one day, which would be okay too. _(He could just picture her shrugging her shoulders. _God, he missed her.)_

_Anyway, I hope you had a great birthday and I hope you know how much you mean to me. Hopefully as we get to know each other better, and I really want to, I'll get better at picking out presents. I even have a few ideas for Christmas already… besides the lingerie I mean._

_I just want you to know that you make me happy and I'm thankful for you every day. I can no longer imagine my life without you in it, and I hope I never have to. I'm not sure what I'd do._(Sam huffed out a loud breath. He guessed she knew now… what she would do. He rubbed his hand roughly over his face; he really hated what had happened. And even after he did the one thing she asked him not to do, she still continued to call him willing to give him another chance, wanting to know what she could do to help him_. Why… why didn't he take her up on it? Why did he have to wait until it was too late when he knew all along that it was a mistake?)_

_Love, Andy_

Sam's phone buzzed on the desk; he set down the card and picked it up to read the text. It was from Traci – 'finished with the family and on my way back. Timmy's?' Sam smiled at her thoughtfulness not just for the coffee but for the warning. He quickly sent her his order and made to pack up the gift; he didn't know if he was ready to share just yet.

As he picked up the card and gave it one last look, he noticed a small arrow in the bottom right corner. He furrowed his brow before flipping the card over. Sure enough, she had filled the back as well.

_PS: My birthday is January 27__th__ if you didn't know already. And if it's not too much to ask, breakfast in bed would be great. Maybe you and Jerry could meet later that day? _(Sam's eyes got a little glassy. _God, he missed seeing his friend.)_

_PPS: I've already started our Christmas shopping._(Sam's eyes shot to the top of his head. _Wow! Our?_ A nervous chuckle escaped his lips.)_ There's something else you now know about me. I know you knew I was a planner but maybe you didn't know how bad it was. It's just when I see something I like, I get it; I save a lot of money that way and it helps to spread out the spending. Plus you know how crazy shifts get around Christmas; you never know when you're going to have time. Anyway, I'm guessing you're a last minute kind of guy when it comes to Christmas so I'm hoping this is a good thing. _(He could picture the self-conscious hunch of her shoulders as she'd tried to figure out if he would be okay with this.) _ It's why we make such a good team. I know we're different but I like to think we complement each other. I hope you do too _(And now the hopeful smile.)

_PPPS (and yes this is the last one): If you're wondering, which you probably aren't, it's not just Christmas. If you need a birthday present in the next couple of months, ask me before you go shopping. _(Sam rolled his eyes, when had she ever known him to_…) Fine, before you go to the liquor store and buy them a bottle or call your sister to ask her to buy something and put your name on it. What I'm saying is let me check my stash first; you'd be surprised how much I can fit into a closet._ (Sam's mind wandered back to a last minute invite to Leo's birthday party a few months ago. Back then, he was just 'Nash's kid' and when he said he didn't have anything for him, both Andy and Traci said not to worry about it. He had been surprised when Leo thanked him for the gift at the end of the night; now he was pretty sure he knew where it came from. He furrowed his brow. He was also pretty sure he'd seen inside most of her closets and he couldn't help but be curious as to what she may have hidden away for him. She did say she had some ideas for Christmas and it was coming. He frowned, unless she had returned it all after the…) _But don't get any ideas and try to peek when I'm not around; there's nothing for you. Don't want you to ruin the surprise. Speaking of surprises, you know, it's too bad I can't keep cake in there – would have come in handy for Dad's birthday. Thank you again for understanding, and for coming with me that night. _(Sam shook his head. He still couldn't believe she got him to put on that hat and drive over to Tommy's in the middle of the night. She really was lucky he was half asleep… and that she was, well, her.) _After that day, I made sure I was extra prepared. You… well I tend to forget a lot of things when I'm with you… Not that it's a bad thing; at least I hope we never let it… No, it won't. Happy Birthday, Sam. I love you._

Sam set down the card and picked up the picture once again. He was still studying it when he heard a soft knock at the door and the knob started to twist. He looked up to see Traci's face peeking in. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," Sam answered before propping the picture up on the corner of his desk. He smiled softly at the image and then got up from his perch to reach for the nearest set of blinds.

Traci pulled his coffee from the holder and placed it in front of his chair while Sam worked his way around the room. From the corner of his eye, he saw her lean over to get a better look at the new addition to the work surface. He waited for her to turn away before he made a move to go back and sit down.

Neither one of them spoke for a few minutes each one caught up in their own thoughts and trying to figure out how to form the question that was weighing on their mind.

Sam apparently decided direct and to the point was the way to go. "Nash?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you uh, have the keys to McNally's place?"


	2. Chapter 2

There's a bit of repetition from the last chapter, I tried summarizing but felt that a lot got lost in the translation and Sam was going to need some motivation for his actions later in the chapter. I hope you agree that it was effective; you'll see when you get there.

Thanks again to SairsJ for taking an extra look at this.

* * *

Neither one of them spoke for a few minutes each one caught up in their own thoughts and trying to figure out how to form the question that was weighing on their mind.

Sam apparently decided direct and to the point was the way to go. "Nash?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you uh, have the keys to McNally's place?"

"Sam," She cautioned, the motherly tone shining through.

"What?"

"You do realize that if Jerry was involved in that somehow…" She blew out a slow breath trying to calm her racing heart and also buy her some time to figure out the best way to put it. "It's been awhile Sam; if she asked you to do something…"

Sam held up his hand. "I know, okay. I know."

"Do you?" Traci looked skeptical. "What did she ask you to do?"

He didn't really want to tell her he was curious more than anything. And he wasn't sure she would even agree to it if he told her the truth. He dropped his chin and fell back on his old standby, intimidation. "Do you have the keys or not?"

Tracy stared right back at him seemingly unaffected by his bravado. "Not."

Sam's shoulders sagged as the air went out of his sails. He rested his forearms on the desk and stared at the picture.

After a few seconds of silently watching him watching 'her', Traci had to say something. "It's a great picture."

Sam simply nodded.

"I remember the night Dov took it..."

"Nash," Sam managed to croak out.

She knew he wasn't much of a talker; Andy had told her as much and she'd certainly seen evidence of it more than once over the last few months. But if they were going to work together, she didn't want to have to tiptoe around everything either. Both Jerry and Andy were big parts of her life and although it hurt sometimes to think about them; there were a lot of good memories too. She refused to forget that.

"Jerry…" she started again quietly.

Sam's head snapped up; he couldn't do this, not now. He was desperate to change the subject and she had supplied him with the perfect reminder. "Why did you think it was from him?"

_It was something at least. _"A couple of weeks ago I met Jerry's family at his house. They felt like they were finally ready to clean it out and get it ready for sale."

"That's why you looked so tired that day," Sam recalled quietly.

"Yeah," she agreed. "It was… draining."

Sam nodded in understanding and they both remained lost in thought for a few seconds before he cleared his throat. "So you, uh, found the present there?"

"Jerry's sister found it in one of the closets. She pulled the present out of a plastic grocery bag and there was no name on the envelope or the package."

Sam's brow furrowed. "Why wouldn't she…"

"I don't know." Traci was already shaking her head. "Maybe she was afraid you'd find it before she gave it to him to hold. Anyway, we thought we were going to have to unwrap it when she noticed a sticky note stuck to the inside of the bag. It just said _Andy_ and then underneath _For Sam's Birthday_. It was in Jerry's handwriting so I assumed that maybe he was going to give it to Andy to pass on to you."

"But I told you she didn't know."

"I know," Traci shrugged, "still, I just figured it was from him. Wishful thinking maybe…"

Sam understood completely. Seeing something from Jerry, especially now, would mean a lot. He still took the watch out almost every night to look at it. He wondered if Traci did the same with the knife or something else Jerry had given her; he knew she still wore the ring. He cleared his throat. "So you get it all done?"

"I think so. They were going to do some more cleaning the following week and put it on the market. I, uh…" She paused to take a deep breath. "I haven't had the guts to go online to see if it's listed."

Sam could see how hard this was on her; it was hard on him too but his protective instincts were second nature. "You want me to…"

She brushed him off right away. "No, it's okay."

She knew it had to be done and seeing it listed wasn't going to help anything; she was just going to miss it. She missed everything about him.

"If you change your mind…"

Traci knew she wouldn't, well couldn't. It would be too hard. She looked up to see Sam staring at her with so much care and concern and she figured now might be her only chance. "Can I… look at the picture?"

Sam picked it up and handed it over wordlessly. He watched her study it almost as reverently as he had and his heart went out to her again. _At least he still had some hope, small as it may be._

"You know what Jerry said to me the night Dov took this?"

She wasn't even looking at him when she started to talk so he didn't have a chance to stop her this time. His eyes drifted closed; he really didn't know if he could take any more today.

He cleared his throat and picked up the cup she had set down for him earlier. He took a long slow drink.

"Sam?"

"Yeah, uh, I don't know if…" He rubbed his free hand along the back of his neck.

"I know." And she really did, but the cork had been popped and she really didn't want to try and push it all back down. "He said he wasn't sure if he had ever seen you that happy before." She started to chuckle, "said it was nice to see a genuine smile on your face instead of that smirk you try to disguise with the dimples."

Sam chuckled. It was a little strained but it was enough for Traci. She stood up and handed him back the picture. He started to tuck it away in the box.

As he was securing the lid, he realized that Traci was watching him. "What?"

"You're not going to leave it up in here?" She asked expectantly.

"No, I don't really think... and she said to…" He shook his head. "I thought I'd put it up at home."

Detective or not, nothing much got past her. Her gaze landed on the card. "What else did she say?"

Sam looked down at the box and then picked up the card that he had not yet tucked away. _She said everything he wanted to hear and he could only hope that she still meant it. He knew it was his own fault if she didn't, but it hurt to think that may not be the case. _ He looked at Traci's hopeful face and knew he needed to give her something. But he wasn't good with words even if it was just saying what Andy had put down on the paper._ Shit, he couldn't even read it through to himself without losing it; there was no way he could tell her about it._

Traci tilted her head and waited; she could see the war going on in his head. When he stood from his chair and handed the card to her, her eyes widened. "Are you sure… I mean you can just tell me the gist…" she offered feeling a little guilty.

He nodded his head at the paper. "Just… read it before I change my mind." _Andy had probably told her everything anyway._

She pulled the card away greedily and started to skim through the writing.

_Happy Birthday, Sam! _

(Traci could feel Sam's eyes studying her every movement and she hadn't even started yet. Normally she would call someone on it but he had been more than generous with her.)

_If you're reading this, I'll thank Jerry later. I can't believe you wouldn't tell me when your birthday was. _(She nodded as Andy's words confirmed what they had had already figured out.) _I get it though, birthdays weren't all that happy for me either, but I'm hoping we can change that…make new, better memories together._

_I have to confess I almost looked it up in your personnel file; I came this close_. (Traci smiled; she could just picture Andy bored out of her mind on desk, hand guiding the mouse over to the personnel folder, fighting with herself not to click it until the phone saved her from herself... either that or scared the crap out of her.) _But I didn't want to go behind your back; I want you to want me to know these things and I hope someday that you will. But at least I found a way right? _(Traci shook her head. When Andy got something in her head, especially when it pertained to holidays or celebrations, there was no stopping her.)

_Anyways, I hope you like the present; you know you're not an easy man to buy things for. And I won't be asking the guys again anytime soon. Dov just says 'get him lingerie'; you're all he wants anyway. _(Traci had to chuckle; she remembered the conversation as if it were yesterday. Andy had shot Dov down completely but not before Traci saw a little sparkle in her eye. _Yep, wasn't __**such**__ a bad idea.)_ _But you already have me Sam and you always will._ (Traci stopped, took a deep breath and sighed. In that moment it truly hit her. Andy had told Traci what happened with Sam and how much of a shock it was, but reading through her friends words she could see that Andy really and truly never saw it coming. She knew no one could have predicted what happened – though she ignored the distant voice in her head that echoed "you're not gonna marry that guy" - but even after Jerry died she's sure Andy would have been adamant that they would get through it. And truth be told, Traci would not have bet against her.) _ Still it wasn't the worst idea. Maybe if you're good, that's what you'll get for Christmas ;) _(Traci huffed out a bittersweet chuckle; _I knew it._)

_In the meantime, I got you 'us'. It's the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope you feel the same. I know it's just a picture but I really want you to know that it's a thing, at least for me. You and me? We are an 'us' and I don't want that to change. _ (Traci could feel her eyes glazing over and she looked surreptitiously at Sam who was still studying her. She tried to offer him a small smile but he just shook his head; he didn't think he deserved her sympathy.)

_I'm hoping that you'll put it up with the rest of the pictures at your place. No rush though, just whenever you're ready. _(She looked at the picture again and this time the smile did come. She nodded her head; _that's why he was taking it home.) _ _It's one of my favorite pictures. You know I didn't even know it was being taken. But that's the best kind. That way you can really see how people feel about each other. I hope you can tell that I love you_. (Traci's eyes shot up to Sam and this time he was looking down at his hands, clearly running himself through the ringer again. She really didn't get it; they had all known for months, if not years, how Sam felt about Andy and yet he just let it slip away. She knew he wasn't a feelings kind of guy, _not like Jerry_ she thought. _He was so happy to share his feelings he even wrote it on a damn knife._ A half sob half chuckle escaped her mouth as a tear slipped down her cheek. Sam was pulled out of his reverie by the pained sound and she could see the look of panic in his eyes. She did her best to pull herself together for him; she knew he was trying to make her feel better not worse. She watched him fidgeting in his seat like he didn't know what to do. This time she shook her head; there was nothing he could do. She took the defeated nod as consent to go back to reading.) _I hope that's not a surprise; I hope that by the time your birthday comes that I've had the courage to say it so this doesn't feel all awkward; though I'm pretty sure you'd find any 'feelings talk' awkward. _(Traci's chuckle was a little more genuine this time. Of course it was awkward; this was Andy they were talking about. Awkward or not, though, she could still see the smile light up Andy's eyes when she told Traci that she'd finally said it_. She really missed her friend's smile._)

_I know; I'm rambling. I also know you're either smirking or rolling your eyes right now. Jeez, even in writing, I'm allergic to silence. Anyway, you're probably getting bored and hopefully coming to find me to thank me 'properly' ;) _(The word 'heavenly' flashed uninvited through her mind.) _But knowing you, you'll probably wait a week or two… not to, you know (because you're a pretty thankful guy) but to let me know that you got the present without giving away the day. Unless it just appears on your wall one day, which would be okay too. _(She could just picture her shrugging her shoulders. _God, she missed her.)_

_Anyway, I hope you had a great birthday and I hope you know how much you mean to me. Hopefully as we get to know each other better, and I really want to, I'll get better at picking out presents. I even have a few ideas for Christmas already… besides the lingerie I mean._

_I just want you to know that you make me happy and I'm thankful for you every day. I can no longer imagine my life without you in it, and I hope I never have to. I'm not sure what I'd do. _(Traci sighed again. She knew Andy had tried to put on a brave front for her, tried to act strong and unaffected. But detective or not, she was her friend, her best friend, and she saw right through that, saw the dark circles under her eyes and heard the hoarse voice that could only from prolonged yelling or long stints of crying. She could deny it all she wanted, but Traci knew.)

_Love, Andy_

Traci blew out a long breath. "Wow... that was…"

Sam twirled his finger in the air. "There's more."

She flipped the card and looked up at Sam with wide eyes. He just huffed out a half chuckle and shook his head.

_PS: My birthday is January 27th if you didn't know already. And if it's not too much to ask, breakfast in bed would be great. Maybe you and Jerry could meet later that day? _(Traci's eyes got misty again, and she was certain that Sam had a similar reaction when he first read it. _ God, she missed seeing Jerry's face every day._ She choked back a sob and remembered the smile he always had when he left in the morning to meet his best friend. She loved seeing him happy. She dared another glance at Sam who was looking anywhere but at her. She could see the shine off his eyes though and her heart went out to him. She didn't condone what he did to her friend, but she knew he was hurting and she knew he was struggling with how to make it right. She lowered her eyes back to the card.)

_PPS: I've already started our Christmas shopping. _(Traci's eyebrows shot up. _Wow! Our?_ Her eyes flitted up as she wondered how that had settled around his heart.)_ There's something else you now know about me. I know you knew I was a planner but maybe you didn't know how bad it was. It's just when I see something I like, I get it; I save a lot of money that way and it helps to spread out the spending. Plus you know how crazy shifts get around Christmas; you never know when you're going to have time. Anyway, I'm guessing you're a last minute kind of guy when it comes to Christmas so I'm hoping this is a good thing. _(Traci nodded in agreement; she would bet money on him being 'that guy'. If she thought about it, they actually did complement each other quite well, even though she could tell from Andy's words that her friend was uncertain how he might feel about that.) _It's why we make such a good team. I know we're different but I like to think we complement each other. I hope you do too. _(_Yep, she was right.)_

_PPPS (and yes this is the last one): If you're wondering, which you probably aren't, it's not just Christmas. If you need a birthday present in the next couple of months, ask me before you go shopping. _(Traci rolled her eyes; Andy had bailed her out on more than one occasion with her stockpile_.) Fine, before you go to the liquor store and buy them a bottle or call your sister to ask her to buy something and put your name on it. What I'm saying is let me check my stash first; you'd be surprised how much I can fit into a closet. _(Traci's thoughts were pulled back to Leo's last birthday party. With Andy's attendance being a given, Jerry asked at the last minute if Sam could come too. She had of course agreed but Sam seemed a little reluctant especially without a gift - and the aversion to shopping that she was now more fully aware of – but both she and Andy had assured him it was okay. She remembered her surprise when Leo pulled out the next present and announced that it was from Sam, or apparently from someone who appeared to be well acquainted with Sam's signature. Leo had been thrilled as had Andy, Sam had been momentarily shell shocked but held his poker face well as he told Leo he was glad he liked it. _Trust Andy._) _But don't get any ideas and try to peek when I'm not around; there's nothing for you. Don't want you to ruin the surprise. Speaking of surprises, you know, it's too bad I can't keep cake in there – would have come in handy for Dad's birthday. Thank you again for understanding and for coming with me that night. _(Traci still couldn't believe it when Andy had told her that Sam went with her to her father's in the middle of the night. And when she giggled about the party hats, Traci demanded proof which unfortunately she didn't think to get. Traci shook her head; _only a man in love...)_ After_ that day, I made sure I was extra prepared. You… well I tend to forget a lot of things when I'm with you… Not that it's a bad thing; at least I hope we never let it… No, it won't. Happy Birthday, Sam. I love you._

When Traci finally looked up, Sam seemed to have composed himself and was able to hold her gaze. Now, she got why he wanted the key, well sort of. Andy had said there was nothing for him there, but maybe it was just wishful thinking, or just needing that little bit of Andy, a reminder of what might have been and for him, what he still hoped would be.

Traci cleared her throat to try and get the emotion out of it that was already threatening to overpower them both. "That's why you want the keys? To get a peek in the closet?"

Sam nodded quickly, but held her eyes expectantly.

Trying to be the voice of reason, she attempted to warn him against getting his hopes up. "It says there's nothing there for you."

She could see the hope dim a little when he realized that she wouldn't be as accommodating as he thought. He swallowed hard before trying another tactic. "But she did say 'our'..." His voice faded off a little. "They were supposed to be from both of us..."

Traci tried to keep her voice soft as she told him what she was sure he already understood. "That really doesn't apply anymore."

He nodded again before his eyes locked on hers. "I don't care."

Traci contemplated for a moment. She could do it herself, someone should. Andy would want everyone to have the presents she meant for them. And Andy always bought great presents; it would be fun to look through them and Lord knows she could use a little fun. She glanced back at Sam and was reminded again that she wasn't the only one. She couldn't say no.

"Have you asked Tommy?" She wondered aloud.

The life returned to his eyes briefly before his face fell again. "He's away."

Traci furrowed her brow. "How do you know that?"

Sam muttered something that she didn't quite hear. "What's that?"

Sam turned back to face her and then grumbled. "Oliver told me, all right?" He didn't add that he had asked Oliver to keep an eye on Tommy while Andy was gone. He would have done it himself but under the circumstances...

She looked at him skeptically. There was definitely a lot more going on there than he was saying, but from his tight lipped expression she knew he wasn't going to elaborate.

She thought for another moment. "What about Clare? You could ask her."

Sam huffed out a monosyllabic chuckle. "Yeah, we're not exactly on each other's speed dial there, Nash."

From what Traci heard, that was a bit of an understatement, both having difficulty forgiving the other for the pain they brought into Andy's life.

Before she could voice her next suggestion, Sam came up with one of his own. "She'd probably talk to you."

Traci couldn't dispute that. The two women were not close by any means but they were at least civil to one another during the few contacts they had. And they didn't have a lot of options if she wanted this to happen, which she did. "Get me a number," she groaned.

Sam bolted up in his chair and started to scramble a little. He reached for his phone but quickly dropped it back on the desk. He tried to recall if she had ever had to call him for Andy's sake but he was pretty sure she hadn't. And there was no way he was putting it in there by choice; he still didn't have high expectations for her sticking around. He turned to the computer to look up the social services numbers they had on file.

He stopped fumbling when he heard Traci on the phone with dispatch asking to be patched through to Family Services. He listened to her polite inquiries before she reached for a scrap of paper and started scribbling something down. When she hung up, she flashed the paper at Sam. "She wasn't in but I got her cell number."

She could feel the anxiety radiating from him and she had no idea what possessed her to poke the sleeping bear but she couldn't resist. "You sure you don't want to…"

His menacing glare and accompanying grumble had her following his instructions to 'make the damn call'. She tried to hide the smile from him as she punched the number into her phone.

She kept an eye on him as he listened to her inform Andy's mother that everything appeared to be okay and that there had been no word. He leaned forward in his seat when she finally got the chance to ask her own questions, but his face started to fall when the responses clearly indicated that Clare did not have a set either.

When Traci finally hung up, Sam already knew the answer but needed to hear her say it. "She doesn't have them; does she?"

Traci shook her head. "No. She said that Andy asked for them back after her housewarming party. She thought Andy might have given them to you…" Traci let the thought trail off clearly uncomfortable with what came next.

"But?"

"I told her I didn't think you had them."

"Na-ash," Sam warned knowing she was leaving something out.

Traci could tell by his demeanor that he wouldn't let it drop. "She said she figured Andy had given them to you at some point, but after what… **you** did, she was pretty sure Andy would have gotten them back. She said she was sorry she couldn't help."

Sam was pretty sure 'you' was not the word Clare used to describe him and was glad Traci was the one to call. She definitely got more than what he would have. Unfortunately, it was not what they wanted and he slumped back down in his seat again.

Traci knew that Sam didn't have them; he wouldn't have asked her otherwise. But she had no idea if… "Did you ever… I mean did she ever…" Traci stopped midstream when she saw the look of despair on Sam's face. She still had no idea if he had ever had them, but at this point, it didn't matter.

Sam was crestfallen. She had never even offered the keys to him, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it to Traci. Because that was almost worse than if she would have given them and then asked for them back. He remembered the look on her face when he had done just that. But at least he had given them to her… well had let her keep them anyway.

Traci was trying to decide what the next step might be and wanted to ask Sam but before she could, he jumped up from his seat and scooped up the picture and card. "See you tomorrow."

He didn't stick around long enough to hear her echo his sentiment.

* * *

Sam walked into his house about twenty minutes later and slipped his keys onto the hook just inside the door. He did his best to ignore the second set that dangled right beside them. The ones that had hung there ever since he asked her for them back; ever since he told her he should probably get them back seeing as it was the only other set he had. _Yep, good thing he'd gotten them. Who was he kidding? It was stupid; they hadn't moved an inch in weeks. He obviously didn't need them, or was it just that he couldn't bear to use them. Either way, all they did was taunt him and remind him what he'd let slip away. _

He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and came back to stand in front of them again. _At least he had given them to her though; okay fine he let her keep them after she used them, but it was the same difference. He never asked for them back, told her when she said she'd been meaning to that she should just keep them. So why couldn't she… _His mouth dropped open. _Damn it. How could he be so stupid? _

Andy had let him use the extra key to her house many times, suggested he take them more than once, and each time he had returned them dutifully no questions asked, just dropped them back in the tray by the couch where she kept them until she again told him he should use them. _Was he supposed to… Was she hoping he would… Damn it! _

He took another sip of his beer as he yanked 'her' set off the hook. His fingers filtered through the group as the regret washed over him. And that's when he found it… fitting in seamlessly with his... the key to her house.

He didn't even remember walking back to the sofa but that's where he found himself as he ran his finger along the edge of the teeth. There was no doubt about it; it was her key. She had actually put it on the set he gave her, like it all belonged together.

He quickly downed the rest of his beer, grabbed his jacket and slipped out the door. 'His' keys remained on the hook; she had everything he needed.

* * *

Sam sat in his truck outside his house. He had been sitting there for more than five minutes, but he couldn't make himself leave. He didn't know why he felt so damn guilty, and not even for the reason he would have thought. _It's not like he had promised Nash she could go with him. Hell, she hadn't even asked to come along._

He **had** seen her face though as she read through the letter, as she tried to figure how they could get into the Condo. And he knew that she really wanted to be there, expected to be there, maybe even needed to be there_. Why did he have to bring her in on this because now he felt obligated. Hell, he preached it to McNally over and over: 'you always have your partner's back'. And that meant when things went sideways **and** when you caught a break. Didn't matter who cracked the case, if you worked together with someone, you both reaped the benefits. He had lived it and breathed it and now, even though it had nothing to do with work, he just felt like if he didn't bring her along he was going against everything he was supposed to stand for._ _Shit! Damn moral code._

Sam was just pulling out his phone when it buzzed in his hand and he saw her name flash up on the screen as if the universe was taunting him. "Swarek," he growled.

"Sam, hey I was just thinking that maybe I could talk to the super in the building. I don't know him well, but he has seen me there and he knows I'm a cop and her friend. Hell if I didn't think I could get in trouble for it, I'd just flash my badge and make him do it."

"It's okay, Nash," Sam answered quietly.

She paused in confusion. _He wouldn't give up; would he?_ "You, uh… you're not going to go over?"

He could hear the disappointment in her voice. But there was no way he wasn't going and as much as he didn't need someone else to bear witness to his fall from grace, he knew he couldn't say no. "You busy right now?"

"What?" She was definitely not expecting that.

He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and blew out a long breath before finally putting the truck into gear. "Meet me at McNally's in fifteen."


	3. Chapter 3

Just a note to a Guest: Just because we didn't see it doesn't mean it didn't happen. If you don't think Sam and/or Andy cared about each other, I disagree and I really don't think you're going to get much enjoyment from mine or many other stories in this section because we tend to be Pro-McSwarek around here. If all you're going to do is complain about how little one or the other cared, please don't bother reading or reviewing my stories. It's obviously a waste of your time and mine because you're not happy and at that point neither am I. Oh, and please don't presume to know why I've chosen certain actions because your opinion is probably skewed and likely not where I was coming from.

A note to all others, I apologize for my rant but there aren't too many options when someone doesn't sign in. I'm not naïve enough to think that everyone will like my story; I'm sure there are many that don't. But I am of the mind that if you like a story, tell the person. If you can see a way for them to improve the story because of grammar, spelling, punctuation, continuity (something constructive), tell them; we all want to do a good job. But I don't believe in telling someone how wrong the story is just because it doesn't suit my feelings or beliefs. This is how the writer sees it or perhaps hopes it will be and there is nothing wrong with that and nothing to fault in that.

If you don't like an idea, don't read it. My hope is that my story brings a smile because that is why I do it to make me smile and hopefully you too. If it doesn't make you smile (even through tears sometimes), find a story or fandom that does.

All that said, this chapter got more emotional than I thought it would. Sorry, may be a few more tears shed.

My thanks to SairsJ for the read over, it is greatly appreciated.

* * *

He could hear the disappointment in her voice. But there was no way he wasn't going and as much as he didn't need someone else to bear witness to his fall from grace, he knew he couldn't say no. "You busy right now?"

"What?" She was definitely not expecting that.

He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and blew out a long breath before finally putting the truck into gear. "Meet me at McNally's in fifteen."

* * *

Traci's car pulled up behind Sam about twenty minutes later. She didn't even have it in park before he was out and halfway up the sidewalk to the entrance.

She had to jog a little to catch up with him and when she did, she put a hand on his arm to slow him down. "Sam…"

When his pace continued, she tugged him to a stop.

"What? I thought you would want to do this too."

Traci fidgeted from foot to foot; she did want to do it but... "Listen, Sam, if you're thinking of picking the lock, I really don't think…"

He slipped his arm from her grip and continued towards the door. "I have a key."

Traci stuttered to a stop and was frozen to her spot on the sidewalk. "You what? How?"

Sam turned around to face her but continued to walk backwards towards the door. Instead of answering her, he simply held up his keys and jingled them. When he reached the entrance, another occupant was just leaving and Sam spun around in time to grab the door and hold it open for them. He smiled at their thank you and then motioned Traci into the building.

She furrowed her brow as she walked through. "Those look like your keys."

"Not all of them," he answered before pushing the button on the elevator and staring straight ahead.

Traci was quiet for a moment and when the elevator doors opened she followed Sam in. She let the doors close before voicing her conclusion. "She put her key on there?"

Sam gave a curt nod.

"And she didn't…"

Sam was pretty sure he knew what she was asking. "I'm guessing she forgot."

Traci's brow wrinkled in uncertainty. "She wouldn't forget when she got home though. How would she get in if you had the key? And why wouldn't she ask for them back when she realized?"

Sam had been wondering the same thing, but he didn't want to question it too much. He hoped that it meant they still had a chance. He took a quick glance over but when he found Traci still staring at him in question, he couldn't hold her gaze. He focused back on the elevator doors before answering. "I don't know."

The rest of the elevator ride passed in silence and when the doors finally opened, Sam wasted no time in getting out.

Traci grabbed his arm again as soon as she was clear.

He turned to her in frustration. "What now?"

She looked at him nervously. "You would have called me right?"

"What?"

"I mean, if I hadn't called you, you would have called me to come with right?"

Sam blew out a long breath. "Yes, Nash, I would have called you. I was pulling out my phone when it rang."

Traci studied his face and even in his annoyance, he must have seemed sincere enough because she let go of his arm and then motioned him forward with hers.

When they got to Andy's door, this time it was Sam that took pause. He turned to a startled Traci who looked at him in question; _he had been on a mission since they got there so why would he delay now?_

The second Sam saw the door, he couldn't help but try to recall the last time he had been there; it bothered him that he couldn't really remember, that he didn't know exactly when it was and what they had been doing. And so he had to wonder; if she was here, would he be welcome. Would she want him here? He hoped she would, but couldn't say for sure. And as much as he wanted to go in, he didn't want to do anything that would be an issue when she got back.

"She'd be okay with this, right? I don't…" He hadn't thought about how Andy would feel until right this moment. Or maybe he just wasn't ready, he wasn't certain.

Traci could see the apprehension in his eyes and was pretty confident she knew why. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and offered him a sympathetic look. "I know she would be fine with me here; I do. I wish I could say she'd be fine with you too, but I truly don't know." She pulled her hand away and took a step back. "You really hurt her and I didn't get to talk to her much that day, but it was still pretty fresh even after a month and a half. I mean, Sam…does she have any idea how you feel? It's obvious that…" She paused as Sam's eyes grew wide. "I mean does she even know that…" She broke off again at the slight panic in his expression; she was going to have to tread lightly. "When was the last time you even had a real conversation?"

Sam moved his eyes to study the hall behind her. He was avoiding her gaze but not because he hadn't told Andy like Traci thought. "She knows," he whispered.

Traci's mouth dropped open. "What?" She hadn't had a chance to talk to Andy right after the bomb and then she was just gone. "How?" _She heard Swarek had gone in the hotel after her but was pretty sure that Nick and Epstein were there too and there's no way Sam…_ "When?" Then the realization of what that meant hit her. Her voice quieted as the blood seemed to drain from her face. "And she left…"

_Sure Nash, kick a man when he's down. She knew and she left, alright? _Sam cleared his throat as he turned his back to her and focused on the lock._ She didn't need to see how much that hurt._ "Yup."

"Sam, I'm…"

He didn't even look up but she could see the tension in his neck. "Just… don't okay? Are we going in or not?"

Traci placed her hand on his shoulder. "I know she would want people to have the gifts and she would trust me…"

She felt Sam's body flinch under her touch and she started to stammer. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

Sam held up his hand to shake her off. "It's fine. I… it's fine."

Traci cleared her throat. "This is something she would want. So I got your back okay; we're in this together."

Sam blew out another long breath as he opened the door in front of him. He motioned Traci forward and took a couple of seconds to compose himself before following in behind her_. She was right; with her here… well he was glad he had asked her. _He could satisfy his need to feel a part of Andy and hopefully not make any waves.

When he got through the entry, Traci was already wandering over to the window with her nose wrinkled. She shifted the lock and then pulled it open to let in some fresh air. It was chilly but necessary. "That's better," she said taking a deep breath. She then ran her hands over her arms. "But don't let me forget it's open."

When Sam didn't answer her, Traci turned away from the window to look behind her. He was staring down at the side table along the back of the couch. She had no idea what could be so enthralling but he hadn't moved or made a sound in a while.

"Sam?"

He cleared his throat and looked up at her. "You check the closet out here and I'll check the bedroom."

If the living room had him in a daze, she could only imagine what memories the bedroom would dredge up. And she knew for a fact, where Andy kept her presents. _Maybe she could save him from himself by going in there and bringing it out. _"Are you su…"

The matter was dropped when his keys hit the table and he marched past her into the bedroom.

_Oh-kay then. _With a quick peek towards the bedroom, she slid over to the table to see what had caught his eye. The only thing she really saw was the glass tray where Sam put down his keys, but she quickly realized that they weren't the only set there. Andy's extra ring of keys were also in there, _but that would mean she would have had to…_ Traci picked them up and twirled them on her finger. _The key chain was new_. She turned it over. _The Who?_

Sam came out of the bedroom. "Did you hear me?"

The keys fell from her hand when her head shot up. "Sorry, what?"

"Was there…" He looked from her to the tray and back. "Did you even get to the closet?" He huffed.

She glanced towards the entry before focusing back on Sam. "I, uh…"

He shook his head. "Don't bother I think I found something." He darted back into the room without waiting for her response.

"You did?" She called back trying to sound casual.

He was sliding a big box from the closet when she walked in. He glanced over his shoulder. "Big box stuck in the back marked Top Secret," he muttered sarcastically.

"You didn't notice it before," she fired right back at him.

Sam straightened up and glared at her from under his eyebrows. "Not really the type to go rooting through boxes in other people's places."

Traci dropped her chin and raised her eyebrows.

Sum huffed out a breath. "Whatever. The writing was against the wall, and now we have a reason so…"

Traci held up her hands in defense. "Hey, I'm in no position to judge."

'Damn right' she heard him mutter as she tried to hold back the smile.

"How do you want to…" He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed her continued amusement. "What the hell is so funny?"

She cleared her throat. "I'm excited okay," she tried. His skeptical look told her that she wasn't very convincing but she wasn't about to admit to what she was really thinking. "Open it up," she ordered.

She waved away his glare and smiled again when he began to pull open the top.

The first thing he lifted out was a jacket. His eyes met Traci's in surprise. Andy had said there was nothing for him in there but it appeared as if she was just trying to throw him off. It was definitely his style and a dark rich brown that Traci thought matched his eyes almost perfectly.

Sam was speechless; he didn't know what to say. It was a great gift. Traci watched in awe as he ran his hand across the front of it. Neither of them said a word as he moved to put it on.

She could see the feelings swirling around in his eyes until he just stopped short and furrowed his brow. She glanced down to see that he couldn't even get the jacket across his shoulders. _It didn't fit._

He looked almost heartbroken that Andy could get the size so totally wrong. Traci was at a loss; she wanted to comfort him but she just didn't know him well enough to know what would be acceptable. She took one small step forward but his glare stopped her in his tracks. "Just… don't okay? She might as well give the damn thing to Epstein."

Traci's head rolled back as the realization washed over her. And this time she couldn't hold back the laughter. Sam's scowl grew the longer she snickered and that just made it all the more fun for her. When she finally calmed down, she started towards him again.

He was still glaring at her. "Don't even…" She took another step. "Nash," he warned.

"I needed that," she announced breathlessly.

"What the hell…"

She walked with purpose directly towards Sam smiling at his obvious discomfort about what she might be about to do. Instead of going to him though, she walked around him and picked the jacket up off the bed where he had tossed it. Sam watched as she reached into first one front pocket and then the other.

"Aha." She pulled a small piece of paper from the pocket and nodded as she read it. "God I miss that crazy head of hers," Traci announced.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Traci held up the note for him to see and there was one word scrawled on it - Dov. "It's not for you," she reiterated.

Sam shook his head. "Epstein doesn't wear stuff like that."

"No, he doesn't," Traci agreed before confirming what she knew he was thinking. "…you do."

Sam still didn't get it and Traci could tell by the look of confusion that remained on his face. "You're his man crush."

"His what?" Sam yelped.

"Man crush…"

"What the hell… Epstein likes… but he…"

"Oh for Pete's sake," she blurted, "he idolizes you okay. You're the kind of cop he wants to be."

"So he should dress like me?"

Traci started laughing again. "Of course not, but Andy knows how highly he thinks of you and this was her way of helping him along, giving him a little swagger. It's just… it's Andy. It's sweet and it's mocking all at the same time. She knows Dov will love it simply because it emulates you and the rest of us will get a kick out of it because he'll just be so giddy about it."

Sam still didn't quite get it but it did sound like Andy's logic.

"And now I know what I can get him," Traci boasted proudly.

Sam wasn't sure he wanted to hear this, but he didn't have a choice.

"A deep red, short sleeve t-shirt," she announced proudly.

Sam was shaking his head profusely. "I don't think so, Nash."

She could see the tell-tale twitch of his lip though so she pressed her luck a little more. "And Gail could get him a pair of aviators…"

The look on Sam's face told her that he was not impressed and it was time to stop; he wasn't getting near the enjoyment out of it that she was. "Fine, whatever, I already have his anyway," she conceded.

She was still chuckling quietly though when Sam pulled the tab back from the box again. But if she thought he was grumpy before, the next item to come out pulled even the smallest trace of humor from his face.

"Guess we know who this is for," he muttered holding up a camouflage stocking.

This was part of the reason why Traci wanted to be here; she needed to stop him from jumping to conclusions. "Don't read anything into it," she cautioned.

He peered into the box. "I don't see one for… anyone else in here."

"He's new, alright?" She explained. "He would need one… well, I guess not now but…"

She stopped short at the look of hurt that crossed Sam's face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" Any attempts at making him feel better seemed to do the exact opposite so she tucked the rest of that away.

"We draw names okay. We each draw one name and buy a larger gift for that person. For the rest, we buy a small stocking stuffer. It was Andy's idea from when we were at the academy. She said she couldn't just get the rest of us nothing so she came up with a compromise that wouldn't be too pricey. She bought all stockings that year so I'm sure she just figured it was up to her to get Nick's; that's it."

She flipped the box back open and started to dig herself. "See."

She pulled out four items and began to flash them one at a time at Sam. "Book on raising a kid, has to be for Chris. Desk plaque with **Dee-tective** Nash on it," she bragged, accepting a proud but reluctant smirk from Sam. "Red lipstick, Gail. Oooh, that's a nice shade."

Sam cleared his throat to get her back on task.

Traci giggled self-consciously. "Sorry." She put the three items down on the bed and shifted the last one to her other hand. She opened the box again and rummaged around some more to make sure she had the last one right. She hated to think it, but it seemed a little too impersonal for something Andy might get Nick.

Unfortunately, she was right and she knew it when she came upon his real gift. "And a picture frame for Collins," she declared hastily waving it in the air before picking up the other three items and moving towards the door.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking them home so I can wrap them," she stammered without turning back. "Andy would want everyone to have them."

"But you don't have them all; are you…"

"I'm just getting a bag so I can carry them," she explained taking another step away.

_But why couldn't she leave them here when she did that? She looked way too nervous._ "Just leave them here and we can get the bag later."

"No, it'll be easier to pack them now."

"Fine, get the bag, but leave the presents here," Sam bartered pretty certain she was hiding something.

"Sam."

His patience had just run out. "Show me the damn frame, Nash."

Traci knew she had been caught red handed and reluctantly handed over the item.

Sam took a deep breath bracing himself for the disappointment of seeing a picture of McNally and Collins looking way too chummy. When he turned it over, he almost giggled in relief.

Traci was shocked; she was sure it was going to put him over the edge after his reaction to the stocking. "You're not mad?"

"It's fine, Nash. I had uh heard he was her… I knew." Sure he felt bad that she even needed someone to help her through it but a Break Up Buddy of the Year Award was so much better than seeing a picture of her smiling at someone other than him. A tiny grin fought its way onto his lips. Sure it was personal but not even close to what she gave him for his birthday, and at least she had someone when he was too foolish to be there. For some weird reason, it was a comfort.

Traci shook her head while she went to the cleaning cupboard to grab a garbage bag. She really did not understand Swarek's thinking.

When she came back in the room, Sam was rummaging through the box again. "What if she missed someone?"

"Huh?"

"Do you know everyone she buys for? What happens if you give out gifts and someone doesn't get one or what if you can't figure out who it's for?"

Traci started brushing the idea off immediately. "She's my best friend. I'll be able to figure it out. And if I see someone who's obviously missing, I'll just buy them something and put her name on it. Anyone else will have to understand. So who's next?" She wondered.

Sam pulled out a canvas type bag with a picture of a pop up tent on the outside of it. "Uh…"

Traci's smile was back in full force. She took the tent from Sam and tucked it into the bag before following it up with the other things they had tossed on the bed earlier. "That's for Leo. She promised him a camping trip next summer."

Sam nodded thoughtfully and Traci watched him in interest as she continued with her explanation. "She asked me if I wanted to go, but I'm not really much for camping. They'll probably need a ride at the very least, maybe someone with a truck to take all their gear," she suggested.

Sam huffed out a small chuckle. _Nash was good. _He had been thinking about what he would do if Andy invited him, but when he thought of being with her out under the stars, a tent and a 7 year old were not generally part of the picture. Still he **would** be willing to try… **if** she asked.

Traci grinned as she studied Sam deep in his own thoughts and when his face softened she knew he was imagining being with Andy. That part of him, the part that really loved her friend, that part was not hard to read.

When he realized Traci was staring at him, he cleared his throat. "You uh, had something else in your hand earlier."

"Oh, yeah," Traci realized. "It was a Timmy's card. I didn't think it was for… I'm thinking maybe for Oliver or my mom."

Sam shook his head. "I doubt she'd get anything for Shaw…"

"But she did write ou…" Traci changed her thought midstream. "Do **you** usually get him anything?"

"Not really. We always play poker at least once over the holidays, but Jer…" Sam's voice faded off but Traci wasn't sure if it was for her benefit or for his.

"You can talk about him in front of me, you know?" She encouraged softly.

Sam swallowed hard before trying to clear his throat. "I don't… it's not…" he finally settled with, "I know."

"I just wanted to make sure," she stated. "So what happens at Christmas poker?" She continued hopefully.

Sam cleared his throat again; he really wasn't good at this. It had been months, but he still missed Jerry as if it were yesterday. "Not much more than usual really."

Traci dropped her chin in disbelief. "Come on, Sam, you were going to say something about Jerry."

Sam rubbed his hand along the back of his neck before letting out a long slow breath. "He just uh never listened when we said no gifts."

Traci offered him a soft smile in gratitude; it wasn't much but she knew how hard it was for Sam to even give her that. "That sounds like him," she whispered.

Sam nodded, "Yeah."

They stood in silence for a few more seconds before Sam reached into the box again. He started to pull out a large bag that was quite heavy but still sort of collapsed in his grip. He used his other hand to reach under the bottom of it to lift it out. He set it on the bed to free it from the bag. As he tugged it from the confines, he could tell by the texture that it was some kind of mat. Traci gasped before he even had if fully free.

His eyes were drawn immediately to her and he was shocked to see the silent tears streaming down her face. He had no idea how a mat could evoke such a strong reaction and he was almost afraid to find out. But her hand was pushing to him to turn around, so ready or not…

He pivoted back towards the bed and slowly let his gaze fall to the object she had not yet taken her eyes off of. He sucked in a loud breath that stuttered on its way in. Lying before him was a welcome mat. It was… incredibly personal, totally fitting, and completely heartbreaking all at the same time. The word welcome wasn't the prominent feature, but it was clearly meant for a doorstep, specifically Jerry's doorstep, well Jerry and Traci's future doorstep.

The light brown runner had a full color barber pole running through the middle of it with the words "The Barbers" printed in a curved frame along the top. "Walk In's Welcome" was stamped across the bottom. It was… Sam couldn't even describe to himself in his mind how much thought and care and love went into the gift and he found himself swiping at a stray tear that dared to escape his eye.

He tilted his head to the ceiling as he took in a few deep breaths and blew each one out through his mouth. He tried fruitlessly to shut his mind down; if he even dared to think about what Traci was… He squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed hard before blowing out one last breath. When he finally opened his eyes and lowered his head to glance back at Traci she was running her hand along the top.

Sam cleared his throat. "It's great, you should keep it."

Traci nodded but couldn't find the words to answer him. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'm just going to uh… water?"

She nodded again and tried to smile her thanks but Sam had already bolted from the room.

After pulling out two water bottles that he knew would be there from the fridge, Sam placed one on the counter and cracked the other one. He leaned against the island as he brought it up to his mouth and downed half of the contents. Unfortunately though, it didn't feel like the lump in his throat had budged a centimeter. He lowered the bottle and swallowed dryly a few more times in an effort to push back all of the emotions that were being held back by the lump. He was staring straight ahead but seeing nothing as his mind fought to keep the tight locks on his Jerry compartment. He didn't even realize Traci had joined him until he heard her bottle slide along the counter. The sound jerked him roughly from his thoughts which caused Traci to startle in surprise and some of her water tumbled out and onto the floor. "Sorry," she croaked out before bringing the water to her lips and drinking greedily.

Sam just shook his head and grabbed a rag to wipe up the floor. When he stood back up, Traci was staring blankly at the window. He really didn't know what he should say or do. He debated going back in and cleaning it all up and calling it a day, but then Traci cleared her throat. "He would've loved it."

Sam could feel the prickle of tears at the back of his eyes and he really, really did not think he could respond to that. When he started this, he did not expect it to be this hard and he especially did not expect to be reminded of the other great loss in his life. Traci placed a comforting hand on his arm and he couldn't help but admire her strength.

"I'm okay now…" she assured him.

Sam still couldn't seem to look at her, but she wanted to get this out and she knew he was at least listening. "It's just… I miss them both so much… I **love** them both so much," she sniffled.

She felt Sam stiffen under her touch and when he started to turn away, she held on tight to his arm. "It's okay to admit it… to feel it…" she urged. "You can't… you need to let it out sometime Sam. You do. At some point, it's all going to be too much." She swallowed hard and her voice gained some strength. "You can't do it all alone."

_Why did his words always have to come back and haunt him? And how could something that came so easily to him on the job be so damn hard when it got personal?_ He knew Traci was right; he just didn't know **how** to let **her** in. But he knew he was going to have to try.

With a curt nod, Sam pushed away from the counter. "You wanna call it a day?"

Traci let her head fall in defeat; clearly the walls were still up and stronger than ever. She didn't really expect him to completely drop his guard, but she really hoped maybe he would give her something. More than that though, she hoped that he figured out how to do it by the time Andy returned. _If he wanted her back, he… well both of them really, needed to learn how to put it all out on the table, the good and the bad._

Traci shook her head. "Nope, let's… I'd like to get it all done if we could."

"You're kid, he…"

Traci was a little touched that he even thought of that and she offered him a small smile. "My mom has him," she confirmed, "so it's all good. I'm really lucky to have her; I don't know what I'd do without her really. She helps with Leo, she's there when I need to cry, listens when I need to talk…"

Sam cleared his throat. "Nash..."

She hunched up her shoulders and offered him a sheepish smile as she braced herself for the backlash to the mini sermon she just realized she had been giving. He surprised her again though when she caught a quick flash of the dimples.

"I got it the first time," he muttered shaking his head.

* * *

A.N. This is not the end; there will be one more chapter. I was hitting 5600 words and still had a ways to go so I decided to break it up. Don't think the next one will be as long but you know me…


	4. Chapter 4

After my rant last chapter, I decided the other 'guests' deserved a shout out too. For those I can't reply to personally, thank you for taking the time to review. I'm glad that you are enjoying the story; it's always nice to hear when someone is looking forward to reading what you have written.

* * *

To the guest who asked about the keys ("… don't understand the significance of her spare key being on his spare keys. Until he asked for them back she was carrying them with her so she had both his and her spare keys. That's not the same as her giving him her keys. Or am I missing something? She felt they belonged together I get but if she doesn't "give" her key to Sam, it's only meaningful to her. From his point of view it still seems like she never gave him a key.)

This was my thought process and I'm sorry that it wasn't made clearer:

Andy put her key on Sam's key-chain because she was carrying around his keys anyway. She doesn't have a car so really she only needs her house key; she put it on Sam's for both convenience and because she probably liked seeing them all together and feeling like it was a merge of sorts. I don't think that was her spare key; I think that was the one she actually used.

As for not giving Sam her spare key, I sort of alluded to that in one of the chapters. I think she offered Sam the use of the spare key more than once. I don't think she was confident enough to say I want to give you the key to my house especially with his habit of dashing out in the morning and 'what's the hurry' type comments. With Sam's keys, he gave them to her to use (maybe when they drove home from Tommy's in the middle of the night) but when she told him she was meaning to give them back he said to keep them. I think that she told him to use her spare key multiple times hoping that he might say something so she could tell him to keep them or that he just would. Knowing her she probably meant for him to take them but didn't make it clear enough that she wanted him to keep them.

When Sam asked for his keys back, my assumption is that in her anger, frustration, whatever, she simply forgot hers was on there. It was upsetting so she just wanted to get it done. To me the significance is not that she then somehow gave the keys to Sam, the significance is that when he finally found them, he realized that to her it was a merging of their lives, they were a set. Why didn't she ask for them back when she realized? When she got home, she would have definitely figured it out and probably had another good frustrating cry like at the beginning of that episode because she couldn't easily open her door. She's not going to call him back that night so she probably picked the lock or called a locksmith or there's a super with a master key. After that, I really couldn't say why she didn't ask for them back, perhaps the final test; when Sam actually takes them and gives them back to her she knows it's over? I'm not sure; I hadn't really thought that far ahead. As for the spare key, I added a key chain with meaning for Sam to show that she did intend for them to be his; she had hoped he would keep them. Perhaps that's why it was still in the tray at home because to her they were for him. In my mind, she had another one made for her because she still didn't want to use 'his' and didn't want to ask for the other one back.

I hope that makes sense.

* * *

When I thought about the last chapter, I realized that I put in all these extra details that now need to be addressed. (Sam delivering the gifts to his family, Rookies exchanging presents, TO's enjoying Andy's thoughtfulness [you'll see], Sam talking to Tommy.) I've tried to speak to most of the items but mostly in passing so I hope it doesn't feel too rushed; I wanted to continue to fool myself that this would be a SHORT story.

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the conclusion. I had hoped to get it out before Christmas but hello…over 8000 words… sure it's going to be a short one :)

As always, thank you to SairsJ for looking this over.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

* * *

Traci was a little touched that he even thought of that and she offered him a small smile. "My mom has him," she confirmed, "so it's all good. I'm really lucky to have her; I don't know what I'd do without her really. She helps with Leo, she's there when I need to cry, listens when I need to talk…"

Sam cleared his throat. "Nash..."

She hunched up her shoulders and offered him a sheepish smile as she braced herself for the backlash to the mini sermon she just realized she had been giving. He surprised her again though when she caught a quick flash of the dimples.

"I got it the first time," he muttered shaking his head.

* * *

Traci watched him walk across the living room and then disappear through the doorway before she drained the rest of her water and set the empty bottle on the counter. She couldn't hold back the smirk; it almost felt like progress and she practically skipped across the apartment.

By the time she got back into the bedroom, the mat was bundled back up inside the bag and sitting at the end of the bed. Sam was already pulling more items out of the box.

He had set aside some specialty coffees and when he told Traci he was pretty sure they were Claire's brand, she offered to take them and wrap them too.

Sam extended a muttered thanks but kept it to himself that it would have been the only way she was getting them this year.

The small smile playing on Traci's lips should have told him that it went without saying. "What else ya got?" Traci asked trying her best to suppress a giggle.

Sam held up a board game, a video game and a DVD. "Looks like some more kid gifts. You got any more that I don't know about?"

Traci tilted her head to the side and gave him a heavy dose of eyebrow.

Sam just shrugged his shoulders but she caught a slight twinkle in his eyes that belayed the innocent act he was trying to put on. "Just wondering."

"Sure you were," she grumbled good-naturedly, more than happy to put the sad part of the evening behind them. "Could they be for Shaw's kids?"

Sam furrowed his brow. "The board game maybe, but they have three girls. That DVD is definitely not for one of them."

"And there's nothing written on them?" Traci queried.

Sam flipped each of the gifts up and around but found nothing. "Nope."

Traci inched her body around the furniture and over to the box. She reached in and started shifting things around.

"What are you looking for?"

"Aha!" She crowed.

"What is it?"

Traci pulled a lined piece of paper from the box. "Her list, of course."

_Of course. _Sam shook his head. _This was McNally; there had to be a list. _"So what's the verdict?"

He watched Traci's mouth move as her finger traced down the paper and she skimmed through the list. "Oh no," she moaned.

"What?" Sam was confused. _It was a Christmas list; how bad could it be?_

Traci met his eye. "It says on here she got her dad hockey tickets."

The disappointment made sense now. "Not much chance those'll be any good," he agreed.

Traci reached back into the box and felt around till she found an envelope from Ticketmaster. "Looks like they're for a game in February," she explained shrugging her shoulders. "They might still be good."

Sam held out his hand. "Give them to me; I'll take care of it."

Traci blinked a few times in surprise. "Are you sure? I mean, have you uh…"

Sam dipped his chin down and leveled a glare in her direction. He held out his hand. "I said I got it."

Traci clenched the tickets against her chest. "What are you going to do?"

Sam stared back at her with his hand outstretched, but she wasn't giving an inch. "Nash."

"Sam, I'm just not sure… I mean does he know…"

Sam blew out a breath. "I don't know. I know she doesn't see him every day, but I'm sure she must have…"

Traci was nodding more to herself than him. "I can do it," she pledged. "I'll just get him a Timmy's card or…"

Sam immediately started shaking his head. "Andy would never get her dad a gift card… ever. Let me take them. I'll see if I can exchange them for Raptors tickets or something."

Traci seemed to like that idea. "Okay, you take these and then bring me…" She stopped short at Sam's look of displeasure. "What? I'll just take care of it with the other ones."

"It's fine," he assured her. "I've known Tommy a long time."

Traci scoffed. "Pretty sure that's not going to mean much to him after..."

Sam flashed his teeth, quick and gone. "I know that. But I just… I need to talk to him about a couple of things."

Traci studied his face; something wasn't quite adding up. Her eyes grew wide. "You think he knows something."

"What?"

"You think he might know something about Andy; don't you?"

Sam shrugged.

"Do they do that?"

"It's not unheard of," Sam claimed. His sister had gotten a few calls over the years. Of course it was always after he insisted that they be made. He was just hoping Andy would think to do the same to ease her father's mind.

"What if he won't tell you?" Traci supposed. "Maybe Oliver should..."

"Nash," Sam cautioned.

Traci stopped and waited for him to continue.

"Even if he won't tell me, I just… I'd like to talk to him," he confessed.

Traci quickly realized that Sam was hoping to start making amends beginning with Andy's father. "When does he get home?" She asked, finally handing over the tickets.

Sam reached out with a relieved smile. "Oliver said Boxing Day. I think… it's probably hard to be home without…" Sam took a deep breath. "He has a girlfriend."

Traci snickered, a little at Sam's apparent inability to express himself but mostly at the memory her friend had shared. "Andy told me. Talk about a surprise."

"Definitely not what I was expecting," Sam admitted with a chuckle.

"Well good for him," Traci lauded.

Sam nodded before clearing his throat to get them back on track; he'd had enough of Tommy's love life that night. "So what does the list say about these presents," Sam queried, gesturing to the three that had been abandoned on the bed.

He watched Traci furrow her brow. "I don't know."

"What do you mean? They're not on the list?"

"No, they're there," Traci confirmed. "It's just… no names."

She held up the paper when the crease took over Sam's brow.

"See, the first one says boy, about 14, riding a skateboard and then Emerica Stay Gold DVD next to it. Second one says girl, about 12, dancing around a board game, then Apples to Apples and…"

Sam ripped the paper from her hand and read the last one on his own_: 'boy, about 10, concentrating on video game – Batman Lego for Wii.'_ He dropped down onto the bed and stared at the paper; he couldn't believe it.

His reaction caught Traci off guard. "Sam, what is it? Do you know who they're for?"

Sam swallowed hard before finally lifting his eyes away from the page. "Is there anything else?"

"Sam?" The question was inherent in her tone.

"Just… is there anything else, like maybe for adults?"

Traci looked into the carton again and pulled a box of sealed envelopes out along with a gift card. "Her Christmas cards are here and looks like a gift card for…" She flashed the card up at Sam. "Have you heard of this restaurant?"

He nodded but remained silent.

"What's going on Sam?" Traci asked sitting down on the bed beside him. She extended her hand out toward him but then pulled it back hesitantly.

"They're for my sister's family," he answered softly.

"You have a sister?" Traci asked almost incredulous.

"Yes, Nash, I have a family," Sam snapped.

"Sorry, I didn't mean…"

"No. I'm…" Sam shook his head and relaxed his voice. "I shouldn't have." He took a deep breath. "I have one sister."

"With two boys and a girl," Traci surmised. "But why aren't their names on here?"

Sam sighed. "Andy uh…" He pressed his lips together for a second. "I never got a chance to…" Sam took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck. "She never met them."

Traci was surprised that Sam's family had never come up but her curiosity was for another time. "So, do you think Jerry told her?"

Sam was already shaking his head. "No."

Traci's face was knotted in confusion. "So if you didn't… how could she…"

Sam knew there was no way she could puzzle it out on her own. "Last time Sarah was here she brought one of those frames, the ones that have spots for a bunch of different pictures. She had already filled in all the spots because she knew it would sit empty if she didn't."

"Okay…"

"There's a bunch of different shots," Sam explained. "One of my nephew on his skateboard, one of my niece beating me at a game last Christmas, and…"

"Another nephew playing a video game," Traci finished for him.

Sam nodded and huffed out a quick breath in amazement. Andy didn't even know their names, had never even been in the same room with them. Yet she'd gone out and picked out gifts for each of them, really good gifts. He didn't know why it surprised him; it shouldn't have because that's just who Andy was.

And he loved her for it; he really did._ So how could he have been so willing to let it all go?_

It was stupid really, but for as long as he could remember it was the Swarek mantra: You don't let people get too close. They get too close, they find out what's behind the mask. Secrets don't come out all neat and tidy and when it came to him and his family that meant it usually ended in pitying looks and offers of charity. He couldn't stand it if she looked at him that way.

So he tried to keep her at a distance, let her see only what he wanted her to see. But then Jerry died, and it took all his efforts just to keep moving. He didn't have the strength to fight his feelings for her too. How was he supposed to hold her back when all she would want to do is get closer, help him, fix him?

When he thought back to that night now (a little more objectively), he could recall her sitting with Traci and he knew she wasn't trying to fix anything. No, it was genuine sadness she felt. He could picture her squeezing Traci's hand so tight as if it might join the two of them together and allow her to take some of the burden onto her own heart so it might lessen the grief on her friend's.

But back then he just couldn't see it. Experience told him that when you let someone in like that they eventually leave and then you're left trying to figure out how to make it on your own. So he always got out first; kept hold of the control. Unfortunately, this time, when the hurt of losing Jerry faded a little, he realized the hurt of losing Andy was still there. So he tried to 'reinvent himself'. Get back the power, be a new man, one who didn't miss her, one who didn't… And he was damn good at pretending because he had years of experience. But then the guise dropped when the shooting happened in booking; the **real Sam **had to know if she was okay.

But then she reminded him that he wasn't that guy anymore. So he tried again hoping it would get easier the longer he played the part. But then she had to put her hands around that damn bomb and he knew. He knew that he could try and fool himself all he wanted, but deep down in the biggest compartment of his heart she was still there and he didn't have any choice in the matter.

He meant it when he said he wished he was more like her, where caring was something you did freely instead of always holding back and waiting for the other shoe to drop. The people he cared about most in life he lost, and he couldn't bear to lose her.

She forgave her father, was in the process of forgiving her mother, was putting the past with Callaghan behind her. And he's pretty sure she would have forgiven him if he hadn't made that stupid joke. He could only hope that she would be willing to give him another chance.

Traci watched in silence as a myriad of emotions crossed Sam's face, the regret clearly standing out amongst them all. She refused to let him dwell. "And the gift card?"

Sam blinked a few times before his thoughts returned to the present. "Oh, it's for a restaurant in St. Catherines; that's where they live."

Traci offered him an encouraging smile. "So a night on the town for your sister and her husband, that sounds good. What do you usually…"

Her question was cut short when she felt Sam stiffen beside her. She turned to see him lost in thought once again.

Sam was looking straight ahead but wasn't really seeing anything_. He didn't want to admit that he and his sister hadn't exchanged gifts in a long time. Sure the kids got something from him and there was usually something __for him __under the tree that was from the kids but Sarah orchestrated it all. And the two of them, they hadn't come right out and shown their affection for each other in a long time, awkward hugs notwithstanding. It started when they were younger, when Sarah couldn't stand being touched at all and they couldn't really afford to buy anything. By the time they could, well old habits die hard and Sam really didn't see the point. Christmas was for kids…_ He huffed out a soft chuckle_… and apparently for McNallys._

"That's okay," Traci interjected, "none of my business."

Sam offered her a small smile of gratitude before gesturing to the box in her hand. "So, cards?"

"Yeah, looks like she's got them all done. Names are on the front and envelopes are sealed so I'll just take them in with me tomorrow and hand them out." Traci started to giggle.

"What?"

"Remember her cards last year?"

Sam thought back, but the only thing he recalled about that time was his disappointment that she had left after everything they went through. If there were any cards on his desk when he came back, he was pretty sure they ended up in the trash. "No, I uh…"

"Right." Traci grimaced a little in embarrassment. "You were… anyway I don't know how she does it but last year she gave out these cards with Mrs. Claus on the front and she was checking off Santa's list for him…"

"Sounds funny?" He offered reluctantly, not really seeing the point.

Traci passed him a quick glare of annoyance before continuing. "The resemblance to Superintendent Peck was uncanny. Gail couldn't even look at the card without shuddering and Oliver…" Traci giggled again. "Oliver was pissed for a week because Andy penciled him in on the naughty list. It's too bad she wasn't around to see it."

Sam's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "So she brought them in while she was suspended?" He tried not to let it upset him, after all he was the one she was forbidden to have contact with.

"She dropped them off with me before she left; I'm pretty sure she buys them on sale right after Christmas and then does them up early the following year," Traci explained. But she could see that Sam was still bothered by that time they spent apart so she felt like she needed to clear something up for him. "She didn't just do it so she could keep being a cop."

She wanted to say more but the look on Sam's face told her that now was not the time. It was more important for him to work through it with Andy anyway. Traci cleared her throat. "Do you want to take the cards for Oliver and Frank and Noelle?"

"Um, no, it's okay," Sam declined. "So is that it?" He asked, his tone taking on a forced lightness. He knew she had said there was nothing for him there, and Nash hadn't said anything about finding something else for him at Jerry's, still he couldn't stop himself from hoping.

Traci dug around in the box a little more. "Hang on."

Sam looked up expectantly until she pulled out a little onesie that read 'My dad is the sergeant but I'm the boss'. Traci smiled. "This is obviously for Olivia, but…" She pulled a second onesie from behind the first. "There's two here."

Sam laughed when he saw the dark t-shirt with almost glowing eyes peeking out but Traci was at a complete loss. "Ninja? Then who's this one for?"

Sam was still snickering. _Trust McNally to remember his barb to Noelle about baby names._ "That's for her too," Sam confirmed taking them from Traci's hand and placing them in the bag with the rest of the gifts. "Noelle will love it."

Traci looked at him skeptically; she wasn't so sure about that but Sam obviously was so she let it go. She'd definitely have to ask Andy about it when she got back though.

"Anyone else on the list?"

Traci checked the paper once again. "Nope." She peered into the box. "And the rest looks like it's just some general stuff."

Sam stood up then and started to move the box back into the closet but when he got it inside, it didn't quite fit.

Traci watched him push and pull the box around a few times. "What's wrong?"

"Something's in the way," he answered, voice muffled from behind the large carton.

He reached around the container and pulled out another box. "Looks like this one fell in behind," he explained and slid the box in question out behind him as he fit the bigger one back in place. He turned to grab the smaller one to fit it back in but the writing caught his eye.

When he stopped short, Traci wondered if something was wrong. "What is it?"

He looked from her to the box. "It's from a poker store."

She looked at his hopeful gaze. "Is there anything on the outside?"

Sam turned it around in his hands but couldn't see anything other than the necessary marking from the company and the post office. "Not that I can see." He started to pull it open.

Traci didn't like where this was going. "Sam, I don't think…"

He waved her off. "The box is already open; I just want to see what it is."

"Sam," she warned.

"I know okay," he snapped, but then he took a deep breath and calmly added. "I remember. I just wanted to see it and make sure someone doesn't miss out." They both knew he was hoping that someone was him but Sam still tried to cover his tracks. "I think her dad still plays maybe this was her backup to the hockey tickets."

Traci looked skeptical.

"Please," he pleaded throwing in the dimples for good measure.

Traci shook her head but couldn't keep the smile from her face. "Oh my God, put those away. Fine, alright. Just give it here."

Sam pulled the box away from her and closer to himself. "No, I found it."

Traci's grin was getting bigger. "Seriously?"

His only response was a glare as he proceeded to pull the Styrofoam from the box; it was barely budging though. "Grab onto that while I pull the box," he ordered.

Traci latched onto the packing and as he pulled the box free, she moved to lift the Styrofoam form that was protecting the contents. "Hey," he protested reaching out for the treasure.

"It's a case," she announced waving his hands away. She read the sticky note affixed to the top. "It says…" She looked up to Sam in confusion, "'Oliver's Retirement?'"

Sam's face fell along with his hands; he was hoping it was hidden behind the big box for a reason. "Are you sure?"

Traci looked at him sympathetically, the hope obvious in his tone. "That's what it says," she confirmed.

"But he's…" Sam's head tilted to the side in contemplation, "that's a long ways away."

Traci shrugged her shoulders. She knew Andy was a planner but this went way beyond that. She flipped the latch and lifted the lid; it was a full set of poker chips. She pulled one out and gasped.

"What?" Sam plucked the chip from her hand and studied it. He couldn't believe it; they were incredible. The words 'Fifteen's Finest' were printed along the top with a replica shield in the middle. The value of the chip was written inside the shield where the badge number would go. They looked… _wow._ Sam absolutely loved them. He could just imagine all the guys when they saw them.

Traci watched as he picked up each denomination and looked at them in turn. She could see the awe.

His voice was only a whisper when he finally found it. "That's a great gift. Oliver, huh?"

Traci tilted the lid back down to remove the sticky note and hold it up for him to see. "That's what it says."

Sam's eyes became unfocussed for a second as he voiced his thoughts aloud. "I know she likes to plan but… wow."

His gaze was then pulled to the personalized playing cards he found in the middle of the case. They matched the chips almost to a T, the only addition was a black scroll along the bottom with the words 'TO SERVE & PROTECT' on it.

Traci was too busy to notice his latest find as she searched through the inside of the cardboard box and around Styrofoam protector.

Sam didn't even realize she was in her own world until he looked up. "What are you looking at?"

Traci was studying something in her hand.

"Nash?"

"They weren't going to be for Oliver," she whispered.

Sam's eyes darted around the room. "What do you mean?"

Traci closed the box back up and showed Sam what she noticed when she had pulled the post-it note away. There was a small indentation on the top with some glue residue still stuck in it. Obviously something had been removed. Traci took the object in her hand and fit it perfectly in the rectangular depression. It was a small piece of gold plating.

Sam swallowed hard. "Can I…"

Traci handed the small piece of metal over wordlessly and watched Sam's eyes skim over the writing – _'To one of Fifteen's Finest. I'm all in.'_

Sam couldn't even think let alone speak but he could feel Traci's eyes studying his every move. He cleared his throat once and then again but still he didn't dare open his mouth. He knew his voice would crack and every emotion he was trying to tamp down would echo loud and clear.

Traci decided to save him from himself. "I'm guessing she couldn't return it since it's personalized," she shrugged.

Sam nodded dejectedly but still didn't say a word.

She could tell Sam was doing his best to remain stoic but the pain in his eyes couldn't be denied. So she said what she knew he couldn't. "I miss her."

Sam nodded again. _God, did he ever._

_He guessed his loss would be Oliver's gain though_. That thought stopped him short. _No. It wasn't a loss, not yet anyway. If he conceded that the set was for Oliver that meant that he was giving up and there was no way that was going to happen. Not until she looked him in the eye and told him it was over. _

"Shaw's really going to enjoy that poker set," Traci stated trying to draw Sam out.

Sam surprised her when he almost smirked. _Yeah, when he's at my place, _he thought.

"Sam, I…uh…"

Sam replaced the chips and cards, closed the lid, and stuck the engraving plaque back on the front. There was a spark in his eye that hadn't been there in a while.

"Sam," she warned again.

What he said was "There are a lot of birthdays and Christmases before Shaw retires." What he meant was _I'm not giving up without a fight._

He slid the set back in the box and took it to the closet to put it away.

"I think one will probably be enough," Traci answered assuredly.

Sam appreciated her support but brushed it off. "Okay, so I guess we're done here," he announced as he backed from the closet.

"I guess so," Traci agreed looking around the room wistfully.

"Hey."

"What?"

"I was thinking that the place could probably use some cleaning…"

"Don't they have someone do that?"

"They're supposed to but with budget cuts… she'll be lucky if they come in once. It's been months already and you can see no one's been here."

"You'll call me?"

"I, um… oh,' Sam stuttered, "I just thought if you wanted to borrow the keys you could…"

Traci's back stiffened as her feminist gene kicked into high gear. "Because I'm the woman I should be doing the cleaning?"

"Nooo," he answered patiently. "I have no problem cleaning; in fact, I'm going to stay for a bit and do some now. The garbage stinks enough already. I was just… I thought since I have a key, you might want to come back some time, maybe check on things. But it's fine; I can take care of it."

Traci shook her head, offering him a sheepish grin. "No, it would be nice to come back. Maybe do some cooking for her freezer or something."

"Just let me know."

Traci nodded and when Sam didn't say any more, she started to pick up the garbage bag and the mat.

Sam reached over to take them out of her hands. "I'll carry these down for you."

"It's okay; you don't have to," Traci declined.

Sam tossed her a lopsided grin. "I got it."

After loading Traci up and waving her away, Sam headed back upstairs. He packed up the garbage and threw it in the bin. After a quick dusting, he found some old sheets to throw over the kitchen island so at least it would be clean when she got home. He reminded himself to bring a few more over next time he stopped by. He then closed the window Traci had opened to air things out.

Glancing around, it definitely looked and smelled better already. He picked up his keys and headed to the door resisting the urge to pull the poker set out again. _No, the next time he laid eyes on it, it would be because she gave it to him._ He looked around one last time before locking up and heading home.

* * *

First thing the following morning, Sam and Traci were called to a crime scene. They met directly on site and it was noon before they could even think about heading back to the station.

Traci went right to the barn while Sam stopped to grab them something to eat. He had just walked in through the back when Oliver met him on the stairs. He slapped Sam on the back. "Thanks, buddy. This is great; just what I needed. I'll check with Zoe and see what we can work out."

Before Sam could voice the question, Oliver laughed and walked away. Sam was still shaking his head when he entered his office. Traci glanced up quickly but then did a double take when she saw the look of confusion. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Sam answered reluctantly. "Did you promise Oliver we'd help him with something?"

Traci furrowed her brow in thought. "No, I barely saw him this morning."

Sam gave a quick shrug and decided he'd ask him after he ate. He had just unwrapped his sandwich when Noelle popped her head in with the baby. Apparently she had dropped in to have lunch with Frank. "You're a peach, Sammy. Frank's going to check his schedule and let you know."

She was gone before Sam could even form a response. _He hadn't asked Frank anything that would affect the schedule. He was already booked to work Christmas so that couldn't be it, unless he was going to make Sam work on Christmas Eve too. Sarah would probably kill him though._ "Are we getting called in?"

Traci waited until she'd swallowed her last bite. "Not that I know of. I hope not; we've got a big supper planned on Christmas Eve. And I already have to get up early enough to be in here for the afternoon shift on Christmas Day."

Sam downed the rest of his lunch quickly and then tried to decide who to hit first Oliver or Frank. He was still trying to puzzle it all out; he didn't think he had forgotten anything._ There was no hockey and he wasn't really big on watching basketball except with…_

Sam had just walked down into the bullpen when Frank came from one direction and Oliver the other. "What are you doing on New Year's Eve?" They both blurted at the same time.

"No way, forget it Shaw."

"I asked first."

"Are you kidding me? Come on, I'm working straight through till then."

"Hold it!" Sam yelled.

Both men stopped and stared at him for a second before Oliver leaned in to put his arm around Sam. "Sammy, buddy, brother…"

"Oh brother is right," Frank moaned.

"What the hell is going on?"

Frank looked between Sam and Oliver before settling on Sam. "Your offer to babysit? Noelle and I want to go out on New Year's Eve and since you offered…"

Sam's chin dropped down. "Since I offered what exactly?"

The dawn of realization came over Frank's face as he started to chuckle. "Welcome to the Party," Oliver teased.

"He doesn't…"

"Not a clue…"

"Would someone care to enlighten me?" Sam interjected.

Frank held up a finger indicating Sam should wait a minute. He went back into his office and came out with a Christmas card. "You may want to read this."

Sam snatched the card from Frank's hand and looked at the front. The card was cute; there was a picture of Santa being clocked with a radar gun and the officer who was going to let him off easy looked suspiciously like Epstein. Sam was starting to get the picture as he opened it up. The sentiment was your standard fare, but then he read the personalized message spelled out in Andy's signature scrawl._ 'Merry Christmas, Frank, Noelle and Beautiful Baby Best. Next time you need a night out just let one of us know; we'd be happy to watch her for you. From Sam and Andy."_

Sam looked up wide eyed.

"And since McNally's not here…" Frank implied.

"And she did say let ONE of you know…" Oliver continued.

Sam blew out a long breath in resignation already knowing the answer but still having to ask. "You don't want to wait till she gets back?"

"Nope!" Frank grinned.

"Uh, I…" Sam turned to Oliver defeated. "And you have one too?"

"You betcha!"

Sam just shook his head. "Great. Well, I'll let you two fight it out to see who gets me on New Year's."

"Seriously?" The two men echoed.

"It's the least I can do," he retorted. They didn't need to know that he wasn't doing it for them.

"You're a good man, Sammy," Oliver crowed, patting Sam on the back once again. "Sh… we're lucky to have you."

Sam pushed his hand away. "Yeah, yeah, just make sure you don't rent any princess movies that night and there better be food too."

Oliver was nodding in understanding. "I hear you, Sammy, but I can't promise anything; I'm outnumbered man. I'll do what I can to make sure they get a good one though. I think you'll like Tangled." His eyes got wide. "No wait, Brave just came out; have you seen Brave?"

Sam jerked his head back and looked at him like he was crazy.

"Right, yeah, yeah, sorry."

Sam just waved him off and headed back up to his office. He was sure they'd let him know what they decided.

When Traci asked what was up, he couldn't help but string her along a little. "They're fighting over who gets the pleasure of my company for New Year's Eve," Sam embellished.

Traci looked at him skeptically. "Oh… kay."

Sam just chuckled to himself. He wondered if Andy had any idea the havoc she was playing on his life right now. She wasn't even there and she still turned his world upside down.

* * *

Christmas came just over a week later. Sam and Traci had the afternoon shift and as usual, he arrived early. Sitting at his desk waiting for parade, he found himself thinking back over the last few days.

He left straight from work on the twenty-third to spend Christmas Eve with his sister and her family. Sarah had been pleasantly surprised the week before that, when she called Sam to ask him how much he wanted to spend that year and he told her it was unnecessary. Her shocked silence lasted all of three seconds before she asked if he had been visited by three ghosts lately. Sam smiled at the memory.

When he got to their house and she did in fact see gifts and not just gift cards, she grinned and gave him a one-armed hug. "Wow, Sammy, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you had an actual girlfriend."

Apparently Sam's poker face had been a little slow on the draw because her eyes went round and wide and she almost gasped. "Sam?"

He held her eyes for just a second as he replied. "No, I'm not seeing anyone right now." It was the truth and she could see that but she was also pretty certain that hadn't always been the case.

Thankfully, he was able to avoid any further discussion with the boisterous arrival of her kids. And for the rest of the night he made sure to keep at least one of them in the room with him at all times.

The next morning was Christmas Eve and Sam waited 'til he heard multiple voices before venturing from the guest room. He had been up for a while and the look on his sister's face when he came into the kitchen told him that she knew it too; usually he was up even before her. But he just shot her a smug grin and sat down next to his nephew and immediately asked him about his latest video game. Sarah dropped a cup down in front of him and told him he knew where the coffee was.

Once everyone finished with breakfast, Sam helped Sarah's husband with some odd jobs he needed done around the house while Sarah started to prepare for their early supper. They ate about four to allow them time to open presents and get Sam on the road before it got too late. Sam wasn't the only one who inherited the cooking gene so as usual, the meal was delicious.

They had barely finished dessert before the kids were begging to open gifts. If Sam hadn't had to rush away, Sarah would have laid down the law but as it was she didn't want to hold him up. She made sure everyone knew that only gifts from Uncle Sam were to be opened and the rest would have to wait until morning. After all the moaning and groaning was done, they quickly dispersed into the living room.

Sam still couldn't believe the looks on their faces when they opened the gifts. He had heard Shaw muttering for the last month about how hard it was to buy gifts for his girls as they got older but McNally seemed to have the knack. When his oldest nephew opened up the DVD, he just about screamed. Sarah was in complete shock at his reaction and muttered that she only hoped that he'd be that happy with what she got him. The other two put on a very similar display before the two boys disappeared to enjoy their presents. Sam, Sarah and her husband were left to play Apples to Apples with his niece. Sam smiled to himself; he had to admit that the infamous Swarek sarcasm definitely gave the game an interesting edge that had his niece rolling her eyes more than once. He had actually had a lot of fun, and Sarah seemed extra happy too. She told him later that she enjoyed seeing him like that.

When he left last night, Sarah gave him a hug that wasn't nearly as awkward as the one coming in. They weren't generally a touchy feely family; for a lot of years, just the thought sent Sarah into a panic. And by the time she had gotten past it, it was just something Sam didn't really do. But she still tried every time and for once, it almost felt comfortable until she pulled him in tighter and suggested he bring 'her' next time.

Sam closed his eyes as he pulled away. "Sarah, I told you…"

"I know just… do what you have to do okay."

Sam was broken from his reverie by the clearing of a throat. Traci was standing in the doorway to their office grinning at the contemplative smile on his face. "Good Christmas?"

Sam huffed out a quiet breath. "Yeah… what about you?"

His phone buzzed before she had a chance to respond. "Hang on."

He read the text from his sister. 'Thanks Sammy. Can't wait to go out for supper; I can't believe you did that. Get her back.' Sam shook his head.

"What?" Traci was standing behind her desk still watching him.

"Nothing. My sister just liked her gift."

"She didn't open it while you were there?"

With the kids' excitement, Sam had truly forgotten about it and when he did remember he just thought it would be easier if he wasn't there. Again, it was just something they didn't generally do and she was already curious enough with everything else. "I forgot about it with the kids opening theirs."

Traci nodded in understanding. "That happens at Christmas. I love watching Leo probably more than getting anything myself."

"He like the tent?"

"He **loved** the tent." The wistful look in Traci's eye belied her words.

"But?"

She gave a quick shrug. "Then he got a little sad that Andy wasn't around."

Sam knew the feeling well and that coupled with the loss of… He wondered if she showed Leo the mat too.

Traci refused to let them get pulled under by the sadness though. "But then my mom brought out the hot chocolate and cookies and he snapped out of it pretty quick. My mom makes great cookies."

Sam nodded; Traci had been nice enough to share the baking over the last couple of weeks. "Glad we pulled the afternoon shift then?"

Her smile was fully back. "Definitely. Last year, Leo set his alarm for five o'clock in the morning just so we could do presents before I left. It was nice to relax and have a leisurely brunch before coming in." Traci started to laugh. "Oh…and have you seen Epstein yet this afternoon?"

Sam swiveled in his chair and scanned the bullpen before turning back to her. "No, why."

She looked out just as he came around a corner in his uniform. "Damn it."

Sam turned again and spotted him. When he looked back at Traci, she was pulling her new name plaque out of her bag. Sam smiled at the gesture and when she looked up, she returned his grin.

She sat down in her chair and chuckled softly as she leaned back. "Chris and Dov and Gail came over after work a couple of nights ago and he was pouting the second he got in the door about Andy having his name and how he'd have to wait until she got back… whenever that was," she muttered in an almost perfect impersonation. "The boy's Jewish for heaven's sake, but he's worse than the rest of us put together. It was so great though when they realized there was something from her in their stockings. That's when he clued in that he just might be getting his gift. From then on he was practically vibrating and Gail was having a field day with him. I think it was a nice distraction for her to have another outlet for her mean, but it didn't even faze on him." She looked up at Sam with a guilty grin. "We made him wait till last to open it up but you should have seen his face when he did." She was shaking her head. "He never took the jacket off the rest of the night. And oh my God, when he pretended to sell me a..."

She looked up at Sam wide eyed but he just laughed.

"When he pretended to sell you a…"

"He, uh, may have re-enacted a little bit of the sting we did last year," Traci stuttered. "You know when you…"

"Yeah, I got it," he assured her.

"I think Gail has it on her phone," she offered, the excitement back in her voice.

Sam huffed out a disbelieving breath. "I'll pass."

Traci just waved away his gruffness. "Anyway, it was just nice. We all miss her but it felt like she was there with us you know? I just felt like I didn't miss her quite so much."

Sam pursed his lips together. He would give anything for that feeling but he knew of only one way to stop missing her.

The day passed uneventfully as it generally did at that time of year. He and Traci got caught up on most of their paperwork and lined up some interviews for the ensuing week.

At the end of the evening, Sam found himself walking by Andy's desk on his way to the locker room. There were a number of cards sitting haphazardly across the top and her stocking from the rookies was propped up against her phone. He stopped to wonder who had her name for the bigger gift but the mystery was solved almost immediately. "Nick had her name," Traci whispered on her way out.

_Of course, he did, _Sam thought ironically. He was torn; it was obvious that she loved Christmas and he wanted her to have at least one gift, but the idea of her celebrating alone with Nick didn't sit well with him.

His wallowing was stopped short by a sharp elbow to his side. He looked up to see Traci nodding toward the locker rooms and Sam had to laugh. There was Epstein in all his Swarek-like glory strutting out like he was ten feet tall.

Traci elbowed him again and flipped her chin at Dov. "You know you want to."

Sam rolled his eyes at her but she wouldn't give up. "Come on, please?"

Sam shook his head and chuckled as he walked away.

But when he paused beside Epstein and nodded to the new jacket she knew he had said something. "You're a good man, Swarek," she yelled across the room. "I don't care what anyone says."

Sam waved her away with a grin and her laughter echoed off the walls. And when Dov grabbed Chris and started practically bouncing up and down the second he walked out, her laughter only grew.

The smile was still on her face as she opened the door to her car.

* * *

The Penny was closed for the holiday but it wouldn't have mattered to Sam; he just wanted to get home. It had been late last night when he made it back and sleep didn't come easy as his sister's words played over and over in his head.

When he finally lay down, he thought about how different things could have been this year, should have been this year. How taking Andy to meet his family probably wouldn't have seemed like torture to her. And he had to admit, for the first time in a long time, Christmas felt like more than an obligation and he had her to thank for it.

* * *

As eventful as Christmas was, it was now but a memory for Sam. Another month had passed. Decorations at the station had been taken down. Cards had been thrown out or taken home. Only two desks held any reminders of the holidays and Peck had refused to take Nick's stuff for him. Sam and Traci had both been back to Andy's, but they never seemed to decide when they were at the station and could take her items for her… until today.

Sam had been uneasy since he got there first thing in the morning and he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. It didn't surprise Traci at all when he announced that he had taken the following day off. When he had talked to Andy's father just after Christmas, Tommy hadn't heard anything and as far as Traci knew, there was still no word. Sam appeared to take it all in stride; telling Traci that Andy liked her rules and probably wouldn't have thought to ask to get a message to her father. But she could see that the longer they waited, the harder it was for him to keep up the pretense.

And she wasn't the only one. Oliver made it a point to ask Sam out to the Penny or over for supper at least once a week, but some nights he just knew it was a losing battle. So when Sam begged off from the Penny claiming that he just needed to get some sleep, Oliver clapped him on the shoulder with a "Sure Brother, sure. Maybe next time."

He and Traci stood at the window of her office and watched together as Sam picked up the stocking and cards from Andy's desk and headed straight for the door. Traci turned to Oliver. "You know what tomorrow is right?"

* * *

Sam woke up early the next morning and slipped from her bed to head straight to the kitchen.

It was January 27th and he knew exactly what he needed to do.

He made all of her favorites before loading up a tray and taking it into her bedroom. He sat on top of the covers and dug in. Her present sat atop her pillow waiting.

It was almost noon before he pulled up outside the cemetery.

* * *

A.N. I have marked this complete as my plan has been to stop here since the beginning. I thought of the ending the day after I posted the first chapter; I knew it was right when tears came to my eyes right along with the idea. I'm sorry I didn't bring Andy back but I thought it was more powerful this way - Sam showing his commitment to her even when she wasn't there. I hope it was clear though that he was fulfilling Andy's birthday wish – breakfast in bed and meeting Jerry later.


End file.
